A Simpleton’s Succinct Summary of Sport

In today’s modern world, it is quite likely that you will come across a group of individuals doing battle with another group of individuals. However, it may surprise you that there are no kingdoms, knights heads, or fair maidens up for grabs. Instead, these people running around like headless chickens are participating in something known as ‘sport’. I appreciate that this may seem rather puzzling. Fear thee not! I have assembled the finest succinct guide in all of the galaxy to the most popular sports on Earth.

1. Football/Soccer


The most popular sport in the world. Two teams of 11 people kick a ball around and try to get it into the other team’s goal. The team with the most goals at the end wins. A popular winning strategy is to run the ball close to the opponent’s goal and then act like you have been shot. True acting talent is usually the hallmark of a great player.

2. Rugby


Two teams try to get the ball to their opponent’s end of the field. The ball is not really a ball because it is shaped like a pointy egg. Important to note that this is still a sport and not a battle, despite men constantly ripping each other to shreds to try to get the not-really-a-ball ball. Also, New Zealand and Pacific island teams do a war dance before they start playing. But definitely not a battle. Many rules are present to prevent serious injury. Players are not required to know them, however. Instead, a referee provides a running commentary of instructions so that players play the game properly.

3. American Football


Name is misleading. This is the American version of 2, not 1. Fewer rules, but more protective clothing. Expect to spend most of your time watching players figure out where to stand, cheerleaders, and adverts.

4. Tennis


A ball is hit between people over a net with a stringed instrument that can only play one note. Umpire shows that he is superior to the peasant players by sitting on a very high chair. Peasant revolt is common. Individual(s) who devised scoring system did not study elementary mathematics.

5. Hockey


Same as 1, but with a smaller ball that people use wooden sticks to hit. Players aren’t allowed to use back of stick, or hit each other with the stick. That’s okay though, they seem rather polite.

6. Ice Hockey


You might think this is the same as 5, but on ice. This would be a bad assumption. Ice Hockey is mixed martial arts  under the guise of a team sport. Also, players are allowed to use back of stick. Popular in Canada, where it is the only time Canadians become violent. Also popular in Russia, where it is the only time Russians become less violent.

7. Golf


Predominantly for wealthy middle-aged males. Provides enough fresh air and exercise to fend off heart disease and/or gout for another month. Aim is to hit ball into a hole with a metal stick. However, most time is spent walking, replacing patches of grass you ripped out of the ground, and trying to find your ball in a lake or tree.

8. Basketball


Two teams try to get ball into a very high basket. People under 6 feet tall are only allowed to play out of sympathy.  Best players on a team only play about half the game and let a bunch of high school and college graduates play the rest. Professional players show a strong sense of community responsibility by single-handedly (but usually double arm-edly) keeping tattoo artists in business.

9. Cricket


A game of bat and ball that used to last an unlimited amount of time. Most effort has been devoted to reducing the duration of the game to stop spectators resorting to the bottle. Efforts seem to have failed. Bowlers are supposed to hit wooden sticks that are behind the batsman, but appear to have poor coordination as ball often ends up in batter’s face.

10. Baseball


American version of an English kid’s game called rounders. Fans spend more time looking at statistics than at the game.

11. Volleyball/Beach Volleyball

A Beach volleyball player takes part in

Like 4, but there are more players, the net is higher, the ball is bigger, and they use their hands. Beach volleyball is played by only 4 people and on sand. Watched by people who don’t like volleyball, but want to watch men and women with athletic bodies running around in limited clothing.

12. Formula 1


A year long series of motor races to determine who the best racing driver in the world is. Except that the best driver is always the one who has a car that is faster than everyone else’s.

13. Badminton


Like 4, but instead of a ball, a bunch of feathers are hit across the net. Gives players more time to move around and take a shot. Makes them feel better about the fact that they aren’t such great athletes.

14. Table Tennis


Like 4, but watched by those with ADHD. Only the Chinese have sufficiently lax human rights laws to produce players capable of staying focused enough to win.


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